Monday, July 31, 2006

Five Weeks Until Order Is Restored To The Universe

I think this story pretty much sums it all up. I'd give a link, but I don't have one. I received this via email. I would have to assume it's from The Onion:

You Will Suffer Humiliation When The Sports Team From My Area Defeats The Sports Team From Your Area
As you can see from the calendar, the game is coming up next weekend (ok - five weeks from now). I'm sure you are as excited for it as I am, as our cities are rivals and have been for quite some time. Your confidence in your team is high, but rest assured, you will suffer humiliation when the sports team from my area defeats the sports team from your area.

On numerous occasions, you have expressed the conviction that your area's sports team will be victorious. I must admit that every time I hear you make this proclamation, I react with both laughter and disbelief. "Ha!" I say to myself with laughter. "What?!" I say to myself in disbelief. How could you believe that your sports team could beat my sports team? It is clear that yours is inferior in every way.

When the sporting contest begins, the players on your team will be treated as though they are inconsequential. It will be remarkably easy for my team to accumulate more points than yours. There are many reasons for this, starting with the inferior physical attributes of the players representing your area. Strength, speed, and agility are just three of the qualities that the players on the team from your area lack. The players representing my area, on the other hand, have these traits in abundance.

I would not be a bit surprised if the individuals on the team from your area were sexually attracted to members of their own gender. That is how ineffective they are on the field of battle.

Underscoring your team's inferiority is its choice of colors. It is ludicrous to believe that your team's colors inspire either respect or fear. Instead, they appear to have been chosen by someone who is colorblind or, perhaps, bereft of sight altogether. The colors for my team, on the other hand, are aesthetically pleasing when placed in proximity to one another. They are a superior color combination in every way.

While we are on the subject of aesthetics, let us compare the respective facilities in which our teams play. While my team's edifice is blessed with architectural splendor and the most modern of amenities, yours is a thoroughly unpleasant place in which to watch a sporting contest. I know of what I speak, for I once attended a game between our respective teams in your facility. Let's just say the experience left me wishing that my car was inoperable that day due to mechanical problems, rendering it impossible for me to get to your area to attend the game.

If you need another reason why the sporting franchise representing my area is superior, look no further than the supporters for the two sides. Not only are the supporters of the team from my region more spirited, but they are also more intelligent and of finer breeding than you and the rest of your ilk. In addition, the female supporters of the team from my area possess more attractive countenances and figures than yours. Some of the women from my side that I have observed could make a living by posing for pictures for major men's magazines. The women who cheer for your team, I'm afraid, are far too unattractive to do so.

One of the more pathetic aspects of the team from your area is the fact that only people in your immediate area possess an affinity for it. By means of contrast, the team from my area inspires loyalty and affection in individuals who live in many other geographic locations.

To illustrate this point, let me tell a brief story: Recently, I was on vacation in an area of the country far away from my own, and I saw many individuals wearing items of clothing that bore the insignia of my team. I approached one such individual and asked him if he originated from my area. He said no, explaining that he simply liked the team from my area and had for many years. Interestingly enough, during this trip, I saw no clothing or other paraphernalia bearing the insignia of your team.

Do you still doubt that the team from your area is inferior to the one from mine? Just look at our teams respective histories. In the past, we have defeated you on any number of occasions. Granted, there were times when your team beat my team, but those were lucky flukes.

The day of the game will soon be at hand. And no matter how hard you pray to a higher power or how many foam accoutrements you wear in support of the team from your area, your team will be defeated. We will win and you will lose. This is your fate.

Prepare for humiliation. It shall be upon you at the designated hour.

12 comments:

wiggins said...

Do you have something planned for every week leading up to the day?

Or maybe the week before you have one for every day?

That would be cool.

This one is old, but a classic. Thanks for brightening my afternoon...

Mike said...

I'm planning on doing something each Monday at least. Maybe week of I'll do something daily.

It's not that well planned though. I don't know yet what it will be next week.

wiggins said...

I look forward to it.

Joe said...

Mike

Why wont you come back to FishStripes. No offense to Craig, but your just THE guy i relate that site to. Your distance from the site has led to my decision to only lurk and no longer contribute.

COME BACK MAN

wiggins said...

Hah!

Good luck, there.

Enjoy Fishstripes for what it is now. It is a good site, and Craig does a good job, but it won't be what it was for the 2005 season. That was just a bizarre happening where a lot of cool things came together. Mostly - a bunch a cool people (or almost cool, in my case) who had a lot of free time at the same time and a common interest...

It was fun while it lasted, as they say.

Mike said...

Hey Joe -

Thanks for the note. Long time, no talk.

When I turned things over to Craig last year, I knew I wasn't going to have the time for the site this season. Since then, Craig made it clear to me that my services weren't needed around FS.

There's still Hooray Beer though and that's always fun. So stop around here more often. We'll probably have more football stuff as the season gets closer.

wiggins said...

Also, Joe - Mike just had a great idea. Want to join us in another fantasy football league? I've set one up with some of my friends and Mike, Roger (fishfan) and I will be beating up on some non-Marlins fans. There is still room, if you like - come join us!

wiggins said...

I sent you the stuff - and deleted the old comment to save you from spam. if you didn't get it - let me know, I'll try again.

I'll delete this comment as well (yours not mine)

Mike said...

What was deleted? I'm confused.

wiggins said...

Joe gave his email to have me send him the info. Just didn't want to leave it on the site...

You have the info for the football league, right Mike? Did you pass it along to Roger?

Mike said...

I don't have the football info and I didn't pass it on to Roger.

wiggins said...

Oh crap.

I'll send it over.